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"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews. When these first came out, they were believed to be actual Air Force maintenance write-ups but as time went on, common wisdom began treating them more like the stuff urban legends are made of. (Of course, there's always the chance that some of them could be 'true'.) So enjoy them, but take them with a grain of salt.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

At Headquarters TAC we occasionally have an opportunity to see new weapons systems and proposals that can be considered truly amazing. Since many of these new developments are highly classified, we are delighted when we find some project whose classification has been downgraded. This allows us to share our amazement with you. The following declassified test projects may give you an idea of what we mean.

The little known B-4 program (known as Project Groundhog) was begun in late 1970. The purpose was to create a powerful new light bomber using existing components. The dual-command test (TAC and SAC) incorporated three internal combustion powerplants in place of the F-4's normal jet engines. The intakes were left intact to provide the bird with a large RAT, and this later proved a wise move since the hydraulic problems experienced by the B-4 were manifold. In fact, a hydraulic failure resulted in the destruction of the only known prototype on 2 Feb 1972. Complete hydraulic failure resulted in the loss of all performance instruments and a successful ground-controlled ejection. The only injury reported was a fractured patella received by the tail-gunner. The real irony of the accident is that it occurred on Groundhog Day.

The F-130 project was begun as a natural offshoot of the AC-130 program. The versaitile Hercules was fitted with the world's largest jet engine -- the T-5600, with a rated thrust of 240,000 lbs. The F-130 has reduced shortfield capability but, of course, much greater inflight performance.

Its armament consists of two 20mm and one 105mm cannon and any of the missiles currently in our inventory, including the IRBMs. The only problem encountered at this point is one of aircrew adaptability. Psychological stresses have been noted in pilots of the F-130 since they are not accepted socially by either their fighter or airlift peers.

The C-111 was developed to fill the void left by conversion of the C-130 to the "F" configuration. It is designed as an interim high-speed transport until the AMST becomes operational. The biggest problem encountered to date has resulted from the unusual mounting of the powerplants on the swing-wing. Inflight tests have revealed that longitudinal cracks the entire length of the fuselage have developed as a result of the opposing thrust vectors. A temporary fix of carbon-epoxy bands circling the fuselage are now being tested, but handling problems continue to plague the C-111 and discontinuance of the program is under consideration.

A modified A-7D, the P-7, is now in the final testing stages. Primarily billed as an interdiction/ground support aircraft, the P-7 is a natural successor to the sturdy A-1E. It is capable of handling a large selection of air-to-ground weapons (except on the inboard pylons) and is powered by the T-56-A-7 constant-speed turboprop. A flyoff with the A-10 is forecast for early next year.

The Two Biggest Lies in the Air Force...

Base commander to the Inspector General: We're glad you're here.

Inspector General to the base commander: We're only here to help.

And We're Gonna Give This Guy A Gun...?

(Note: This actually happened...I saw this little exchange at the Armed Forces Entrance and Examining Station in Cleveland on August 24, 1970!)

Eye-test examiner: Read the smallest line you can.

Recruit: I can't read it.

Examiner: Why not?

Recruit: It's too small!

Holiday Greetings from the C.O. ...

Sign on the squadron bulletin board: Have a Christmas, Merry, 1 ea.

A friend once told me of a 2nd Lieutenant who was called before a Flight Evaluation Board after only his second flight as a USAF navigator. That's pretty serious, because FEBs determine whether you are allowed to keep your wings.

It seems the lieutenant was assigned to a troop carrier outfit flying C-119s out of Ohio. The first mission was routine training flight, and everything went fine. The second mission was a practice troop drop and carried some paratroopers along for the jump.

When the C-119 got to the drop zone, the 2nd Lieutenant navigator observed all the guys jumping out the back so he jumped out, too. It would seem to me that maybe the Aircraft Commander should have briefed the lieutenant a little better.

2. If it's stupid but works, it's not stupid.

3. Don't look conspicuous - it draws fire

4. When in doubt, empty your magazine

5. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are

6. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder

7. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush

8. No plan survives the first contact intact

9. Five second fuses always burn down in three seconds

10. Try to look unimportant, because the bad guys may be low on ammo.

11. If you are forward of your positions, the artillery will fall short

12. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is the main attack

13. The important things are always simple

14. The simple things are always hard

15. The easy way is always mined

16. If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat

17. When you've secured an area don't forget to tell the enemy

18. Incoming fire has the right of way

19. Friendly fire - isn't

20. If the enemy is in range, SO ARE YOU!!!

21. No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection, while no inspection ready unit has ever passed combat

22. Beer math : 2 beers times 37 men = 49 cases

23. Body count math is: 2 guerrillas plus one probable plus two pigs = 37 enemy killed in action

24. Things that must be together to work usually can't be shipped together

25. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately

26. Anything you do can get you shot - including doing nothing

27. Tracers work both ways

28. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire

29. Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out

30. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, then you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take

31. When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they are both right

32. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs

33. Murphy was a grunt!

2. Suppressive fire - won't!

3. A sucking chest wound is Mother Nature's way of telling you you've been in a firefight.

4. The enemy inevitably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready and when you're not.

5. Things that must be shipped together as a set aren't.

6. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

7. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

8. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

9. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

10. The sniper's motto is: "Reach out and touch someone".

11. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.

12. The side with the simplest uniform wins.

13. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

14. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

15. If your ambush is properly set the enemy won't walk into it.

9. "If you sleep with me, I'll let you bomb New Jersey back to the Stone Age"

8. "I've heard great things about you from President Clinton"

7. "How would you like to serve under me?"

6. "You've just been targeted by a heat-seeking missile of love"

5. "See this medal? It's for pleasing the ladies beyond the call of duty"

4. "I can still fly four missions a night, if you know what I mean"

3. "I'm looking for a place to land my stealth bomber"

2. "Want to learn what the 'F' stands for in F-16?"

• Takeoffs are optional............................. Landings are mandatory.
• If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back --- then they get bigger again)
• Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
• It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
• The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
• Speed is life, altitude is life insurance............... No one has ever collided with the sky.
• It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
• The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
• Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
• The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
• Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
• You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
• Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.
• A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
• Young man, was that a landing or were we shot down?
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
• Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
• Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
• Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
• There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
• The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
• Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
• It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. All you have to do is start with a large fortune.
• A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
• Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.
• Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.
• Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
• You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
• There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
• Gravity never loses -- the best you can hope for is a draw!